My first day at Uni, a fresher so neat,
Some boozy old cavers I happened to meet.
I asked to go caving, they answered me "Nay,
Such weigees as you we can find any day."

And it's no, nay, never; no, nay, never no more,
Will I play the Hard Caver; No never, no more.

I took from my pocket, a cheque book so bright,
the treasurer's eyes opened wide with delight.
"With pleasure we'll greet you as one of our rank,
as soon as your cheque has been cleared by the bank.'

And it's no, nay, never; no, nay, never no more,
Will I play the Hard Caver; No never, no more.

They sold me a light at exorbitant price,
and a little black helmet, 'twas ever so nice.
I went with them caving, P8 was the place,
They only killed two and lost three without trace.

And it's no, nay, never; no, nay, never no more,
Will I play the Hard Caver; No never, no more.

I've been up to Yorkshire, to Mendip and Wales,
I've been down the pots and I've sampled the ales.
And now I'm returning with stories to tell,
of waters that rose, and of boulders that fell.

And it's no, nay, never; no, nay, never no more,
Will I play the Hard Caver; No never, no more.

The pitches in Yorkshire all end in dead sheep.
To find them you wander through snow ten feet deep.
We set out for Swinsto, found King Pot instead,
So we free-dived the sumps to get out of Keld Head.

And it's no, nay, never;...

There's no caves on Mendip,
or so goes the tale,
so potholing prowess is measured in ale.
But Swildon's is deep and quite wet I'll admit.
The streamway is sporting, but Shatter is shit!

And it's no, nay, never; ....

Now Wales is a speleophilologist's delight.
The names are so long that you can't say them right.
So don't blame the ouigees who say O.F.D.,
'cos it's easier by far than
OgofLlanfairpwIlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwII-llantisilio-gogogof Ffynnon Ddu.

And it's no, nay, never; ...

Now all I have left is a tatty wetsuit,
a clapped out old NiFe cell and half of a boot.
My clothes are so ragged, my beard is so long,
Thank god that's the end of my horrible song.

And it's no, nay, never; ...