A Commercial Cavers View

by your retiring Editor

I had been working freelance at the Charterhouse Centre, taking groups around the nature reserve and introducing young people to the local ecology.  The Head of Centre, John Baker, knew that I was a keen caver, and had asked if I would like to do my "cavers ticket."  I remember being in J.Rat's shop and posing the question to him, "What good would it do me?"  His reply, sensible and immediate was, "If you can earn money doing it, then do it!"  So shortly afterwards I enquired into how to go about registering with the NCA and started training in earnest.  Actually, I asked Butch and Sparrow, then logged my 25 years previous experience, and started accompanying groups down Goatchurch.  The first thing I learnt was that my experience as a teacher was very useful to me in how to talk to children of differing ages.  Put simply says it all - do not get too technical and assume they know nuffin (I blame the teachers you know).  This was certainly an important part of my training that I didn't get from a course.  After passing my technical and group training days, and with the experience logged at Charterhouse, I began as an officially approved LCLMA part 1.  It took 2½ years to get the paperwork through though!  Now don't go thinking that this is a passport to work, it is still possible to make a huge cock up taking adults or children caving and blow the whole thing.  Yes, it has been done before.  It's easy. Here's how!  Terrify the teachers, get them stuck in a squeeze, intimidate the kids or adults by spending 3 hours down Swildons etc, and you won't get much work. "Why not," you ask. Well, the basic employment in the area is a small number of companies, all of whom are in close touch with one another.  On any particular day during the season of work - April to October, if you are lounging around at home, the phone is likely to go, and it is (usually) someone DESPERATE for a caver.  Ah, you think, I can do as I want with the clients!  Well yes, but don't piss them off, frighten them, get them lost, wet or terrified or you won't get another call.  Now the easiest way to do all these things is to take the group on one of "your" trips.  Basically, if you are still having to do trips for yourself whilst with clients, forget about being a cave leader.  Also, forget about doing a different cave, it's nearly always the same one- Goatthingy. Wear on the inside of your boiler suit a large clear message as follows "it may be your thousandth trip - it's their first.  Don't louse it up for them!"  Bearing in mind these simple rules, I have probably done 1000 trips there, but every one has been different and I have learned something each time.  Here are some tips for aspiring cave leader LCLMA part 1.  (muggins)

1.                  Get to know Goatthingy well, and believe me, there are parts of the cave that are COMPLETELY unsuitable for novices unless very closely supervised.  There is a whole range of different variants to the basic trip, usually in the main entrance, down the Giants stairs, along the dig past Bloody Tight, round the Maze, down the mini stairs to the Boulder chamber via the Dining room etc.  It is rare to take primary groups down below the Coffin Lid, although one often encounters lost scout groups wandering around below this point looking for the way out.  Older groups and fit adults sometimes get as far as the drainpipe, but in reality, an excellent trip can be had without going down this "classic".  I am always amazed at the (poor) level of fitness of youth today (and not so youth).  Many of them seem to have no idea what power there is in their legs (or might be, in many cases).  Still, things can go wrong even on the simplest trip and it is always worth taking careful note of the physical well being of groups before they get to the cave. Asthma, wooden leg, half- wit etc.

2.                  The walk up to the cave is the usual sorter.  It is very easy to spot a FLUB (fat, lazy useless bastard) but not so easy to spot a blubber.  The flub is simply going to get stuck everywhere and have to be hauled out of one of the entrances in a state of lardiness, covered in slings, ropes, krabs and being pushed, pulled etc to remove them.  What is best described as "a hatpin job."  It's a shame no - one uses carbide lamps today, they ALWAYS effect a removal!  Not so the blubber!  These lose all ability to propel themselves once 5 metres into the Tradesman's and totally Xuck up the trip for all!  The blubber will lose all limb co-ordination and body control until you drag them to the Giant's stairs.  Usually once down these they miraculously recover and may even enjoy it.  Ignore all pleas from anyone who says they are claustrophobic, this is just plain ball tightening fear, blue funk or call it what you will.  Explain to the group it is normal for humans to fear the dark- survival in the deep unconscious mind of the pre-man - (some run close to this condition today) and you might get away with it, otherwise get them close to you and pretend your light won't work.

3.                  Adults are far worse than kids.  You only need one completely phased out adult to effect all the kids in a virus like manner - shoot them first or hit them with a rock and bury them just inside the entrance so you can use them next week as an exhibit.

4.                  NEVER offer to take "special needs groups" without at least one staff member per child, especially those naughty ones who are training for a course at HMP.  These ones invariably run away as the prospect of being lost/rescued appeals to their sick minds and they are just trying to Xuck you up.  Best policy here is again to bury them - a rock fall in the water chamber is probably the best spot, followed by a hasty retreat.  Tell the staff who blanked off the trip and who are waiting at the surface that you will have to call the rescue and they will go and get them for you rather than suffer the ignominy of a newspaper report.  (you won't get any more work after this, but you will feel good).

5.                  Final tip. Don't tell any of the cavers you drink with what you do to earn money.  Likelihood is that one of them will berate what you do since you are destroying caves etc.

Anyway, to continue, if at the end of 5 trips in a day down Goatthingy, you still fancy a caving trip at the weekend you are bloody fit or stupid or just plain caving mad and I cannot help you.

Now, although Goatthingy is sneered at and avoided by the elite of the clubs etc in the same way as no climbers ever do grades below E10 8c when they deign to talk at you, a surprising number of cavers DO NOT KNOW WHERE THE BLOODY ENTRANCE IS!!!  Worse, it is likely that many of them, having not been near the cave for years (or probably never, or struck it from their student log or had electroshock therapy to forget its presence) will not know where they are once in the entrance!  These same cavers are probably the ones who sneer mightily behind their pints when us commercial cavers enter the pub!  So, next time someone is called to do a rescue from the "smartie tube" or the "worm hole" or even worse "the cracks of doom", call the commercial caver!

There follows a series of pictures of the nether regions of Goatthingy, but where?  Answers next issue- thanks, Martin.

Somewhere in the roof of Goatchurch

Dropping into?

Emerging from a squeeze in?

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